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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Smiles

My dear husband has been suffering from clinical depression for many years now. It began when he was a teenager and was never really addressed. In 2005, he went through a serious episode of his depression. He was very emotional and cried most days. He rarely slept and didn't really eat much either. He didn't function much. As his wife, I was there to support him. I didn't really understand what he was going through. I just knew that I had to help him through it. He began Christian counseling with a pastor at the church we were attending but after a few months it ended because he felt that he wasn't getting what he needed out of the counseling. For the most part, it was just him and I. We had no base point or moral support. Our kids were really little and it was very difficult to see to everyone's needs through this depression. Fast forward to a few years ago. In the spring a few years ago, my husband felt like he was going in a different direction. He began to get seriously depressed again. He was drinking and it made him feel better. However, it came to a point where he was drinking entirely too much and thankfully he realized it. He sought help through his doctor and began taking a medication for depression. His doctor continued to see him until he moved. He got a new doctor and she changed everything. She switched his medications around which made him even more depressed and it affected his blood pressure as well. There were seriously some scary times when I thought he wasn't going to make it. This fall, everything seemed to fall apart again. Things were a little bit different this time because he was to the point that he was just going to give up on everyone and everything. We finally had a great support system in place and our church family has been really understanding. However, this depression was different once again. This time it was like he had just given up on his life entirely. It was like the light in his life just burnt out and couldn't be revived. Because of this, he had horrible thoughts that made him not want to be on this earth any longer. Not only was it affecting him, it was beginning to affect our entire family.
A few weeks ago, my husband entered into a psychiatric hospital for clinical depression. While he was only there for a week, it seemed to help. I called him every day and each day he sounded a little more himself again. A few days after he got home, he was right back to where he began before entering the psychiatric hospital. This saddened me and I had a difficult time keeping a dry eye each day. My heart aches and there are some days when I just feel totally helpless because there is nothing I can do. I continue to tell him I love him and I very much do. But sometimes I fear that I say it too much and that I just become a little too much for him. Sometimes I get angry because there is nothing I can do to help him. Sometimes I feel sad because I know that the husband I once knew (the happy one full of life) is somewhere in there trying to get out. Sometimes I feel afraid because I worry if he is going to end his life.
Monday however, was a different day. Monday, I saw a glimpse of my husband. A smile crossed his lips. A joy sounded in his voice. For a moment time stood still and my husband reappeared. I saw it again yesterday. I pray that my husband continues to appear and that his world becomes colored again. It is really sad to see things in black and white and not to be able to enjoy the world you are living in.

This is my life. This is my family. This is where we are today. Please pray for my family and my husband. Help us to help him. Thank you for listening.

Auntie B

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