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Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Worry

There is a type of worry in my brain that should never have to be there. There are times when his depression deepens. There are times when the depression shifts and different elements come out. There are times when I don't get to talk to my husband at all throughout the day. This not only worries me, but it saddens me beyond belief.

Depression comes in all shapes and sizes. When people are depressed, many things can happen. A depression can do lots of damage to families and it has. It definitely has changed our family. My husband no longer shows affection for me except if I initiate it. Even then it is minimal. If I really need him for something, I can't depend on him because he can't physically and mentally get out of bed to help. For instance, I slipped on ice a few weeks ago in our garage, sprained my knee and tore a few ligaments as well. I had to drive myself to the hospital. I had to drive myself to my doctor's appointment with the specialist. I had to drive myself to my MRI. I had to drive myself to work each day, although I was in pain and had asked him to take me to these appointments. He couldn't do it. The other day I was in an accident on the way to work. While I was okay, I was still pretty shook up and my knee was really bothering me. I knew he was going to the local Rec Center just after I got out from work so I offered to meet them there so they could see the damage on the van. I really could've used a hug and an affirmation that everything was okay. It didn't really happen that way. You know those over the shoulder hugs that friends give when they don't really care? This is what that hug felt like.

I feel that even though his mood is coming back little by little, the medications that he's been given have made him lose his emotional connection to people. Sure he is laughing more and smiling. But I'm not seeing any love from him. It saddens me that his love is hiding deep down for him to find again. I miss his passion. I miss him wanting to be there for me. I miss him wanting to hold me and hug me and kiss me. I miss him wanting me....

I'm not sure how to end this. I know God has a plan for everything. I am scared for what is in store for us. I am afraid that if a move does come to order, it will happen without him. If it is without him, we won't be going as far as we thought. Maybe just move to town. For now I will pray that God will lead him back to me. That I will get my husband back. That we will be a family together again. I will feel his passion and love for me and that he will be happy again.

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