Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Black Sheep

Have you ever had that moment in your life when you feel like you don't fit in? Some of you are shaking your heads yes right now. Some of you are shrugging your shoulders. I know there is one in every family. The one everyone talks about. The one that always does something wrong. The one who really isn't accepted into the family like the others are. I'm sure that some of you are thinking, I have felt that way most of my life. Well to that last sentence, I can agree. I have felt that I don't fit anywhere into my family most of my life. A lot of times I have felt like I was adopted or that I didn't belong to this family because I wasn't treated like anyone else was treated. I come from a family of 5 kids. We are 30, 28, 26, 16, and 13. I know just as anyone else in my family knows that my 28 year old sister is the favorite of the family. She is perfect in every way. My mom even told me so. She also told my 13 year old sister so. I don't care about being a favorite. I just want to be accepted for my beliefs and my hard work for raising my own family. I want her to just show up on my doorstep one day and say hi! I'm here for a visit. I don't want to have to keep calling her and asking her to come. When that happens 9 out of 10 times, she has something else to do. Or she says that she will come and goes and does something else. She has promised my kids that she will do things with them but never does. It is very rare that she asks to have a kid spend the night. It is very rare that she asks to spend quality time with my kids to get to know them. She doesn't know my kids. She doesn't know how wonderful and smart they are. She doesn't know how intellectual and interesting they are to listen to. She doesn't know them and it hurts my heart to see that. It hurts me in so many ways that my mom doesn't take the time out of her busy life to get to know her three oldest grandchildren. I know it is because of the different ways that we choose to parent our children. But those differences make our children so much stronger and wonderful. It makes them who they are.

I guess what I am dealing with is hope. Hope that someday she will wake up and realize a big part is missing from her life. It is the part of an entire family. It is a part that she has pushed aside because of differences. It is the part that she only cares to deal with at birthdays, Christmas's and other special events. It is the part that exists everyday in another world without her. It is also hope that someday she will realize that I am an important person too. I hope that she will realize that she has four daughters who try for her attention not just two. I hope she will realize that she hurts people when she pushes them away. It definitely hurts. She tells me that I can always call her but most of the time it is very uncomfortable to call her because we don't really have that relationship. The mom that stands in front of me today is pretty much a stranger to me. I love her so much that my heart breaks but I don't really know her anymore. I'm sure that she would say the same about me. That or she would say "what am I talking about. She knows me".

I have dealt with this feeling for a really long time. It has been years since I have felt that I have had any kind of relationship with my mom. I know I can go to her for school questions or if the kids get sick. But that really is it. I try to ask her to come for a cup of coffee when she is on vacation. But the answer is always oh I have to do this or that. It's never ok. I'll be right over. A thirty minute drive is so much more quicker than a three hour drive.

So I am definitely the black sheep of my family. I have an awesome relationship with my dad. I hate school vacations because he is working during the day and I can't really talk with him. I hate harvest because he is working during the day and I can't talk with him either. But I love talking to my dad. Even if it is just for a few minutes in the day. Talking with my dad is bliss. I think I have the relationship with my dad that most girls have with their moms. I just have to come to the realization that I will never have that with my mom no matter how much I want it.

Black sheep signing out... BAHHHHHHHH!

Have a great day. I am hoping I will.

Aunt B.


Sheri said...

Well dear-you are so not alone. I think there are just people, as Beth Moore says, that just cannot give what we want. Not that it makes it right, but sometimes we need to learn no matter what-they will never be able to give what it is we are seeking of them. I have dealt with and continue to-all my life. My husband does too. He is the wrong sex (as the girls are super heros), and I am just kinda wrong. It has worn me thin in the past-then I got real serious and let it all go to the only one who can heal it. The Lord. He has taken that feeling of abandonment (which it is in a way) and healed it. I cannot make anyone love me, but I can continue to show love. Pray that she will soften her heart and leave the rest to God. Go about your business and live your life-as no matter what we think, we cannot change anyone. Only ourselves. Believe you me-I am very, very aware of how you feel. HTH

Sheri said...

opps, that should say
"have dealt with it, and will continue to, all my life.

Anonymous said...

Mega (((HUGS))) out to you. Just wanted to let you know that I think you are an awesome person, mother, wife and friend!


Hello Again!

It has been a long road these past few years. There have been many trials and tribulations. But I have made it through to the other side. I ...