Today

 I’m really struggling today. The weight of the world as a mom, wife, student, employee and unofficial counselor to many is weighing me down a lot. I want the best for those around me. However, today, I feel I’m failing as all of the above. I also feel like I’m failing myself today. As I sit here in my livingroom taking a break from studying to make breakfast for my husband and I, I feel defeated. The blanket of depression is falling on to me today. It is heavy. This isn’t how I wanted my life to go. I wanted to be happy. I wanted a husband who would care for me, love me for me, and want to do things for me. I didn’t want a husband who is bipolar, can’t function most days, depends on me for actual meals and a clean house, and doesn’t understand my dream. 

But here I sit. Day after day. Moving forward with hopes of a meaning even though the meaning is like a horse walking through mud. Here I sit, when all I want to do is study and be successful as a nurse and have the support in life that I deserve. Here I sit with tears in my eyes because as I write this, I see how much truth is being pulled from my mind. Day after day it feels like I’m moving backward instead of moving forward. Weights continually added to my blanket pushing me further and further under. 

Here I sit tiptoeing around the house in hopes not to wake him so I can get something done. Feeling guilty for having to study because it means I don’t spend time with him. Working to pay bills and feeling guilt for that too. I can’t make it stop. And the worst part; it will never end. It will continue to turn in the vicious circle like it has for the last 20 years. It will never end because he needs me. But... Here I sit. Day after day. Trudging through the day like a horse walking through the mud....