I have been struggling lately with friendships. I have a lot of acquaintances and people who I can talk to, but I don't have a lot of friends. I have a lot of people who I homeschool with but, we don't do anything other than school stuff together. I don't have anyone who I can just call up on the phone and have a conversation with or just chat with. Sometimes that's hard even to do with my sisters who are 27, 15, and 12. I don't really talk to my mom much either. I can talk to my dad but sometimes he's so busy that he doesn't really have time to talk to me. I talk with my husband but mostly it's just me and the kids.
My husband has been gone for a week so far. Almost two weeks. He's meeting new friends while he's down in Alabama and doing things with them. I understand that he needs this as his dad just died last week. However I'm still up here with the kids and no one else really to talk with. People who say they are my friends, I don't think really are because they don't call me to do stuff. They don't even call me just to talk. It seems like whenever I want to just talk with someone, I have to make the move. Then we can talk for an hour or so. It seems that I have to take the initiative and sometimes it feels like I'm bothering them.
I just wish that I had a few friends who liked to do what I do. I wish I had a few friends who were here for me when I needed them. Who would come over for a visit and see how I'm doing. I wish I had a few friends who liked me for me. I wish I had a few friends who just wanted to hang out with me.
We live in a small town. Most people know each other and because of that they know their families as well. So a lot of people "know" me because of my parents and grandparents, as well as my siblings. They don't really know me but they think they do because of who my family comes from.
As I sit here in my living room at 11:28 at night, I am thinking about what my husband is doing. There is an hour difference in time between here and there. I wait by the phone every night to hear his voice before I go to sleep. Most nights since his dad has died, I have had to call him because he hasn't called me. I am feeling selfish I guess because he is by himself without the responsibility of the kids. Now I know why his brother didn't want him to take our son down with him. It was so that he could do fun stuff with him and not have to worry about our son. I sit here night after night until after midnight most nights just to hear his voice before I go to sleep and I don't think he cares much. He tells me he loves me each time we hang up the phone but sometimes it's hard to believe.
I've had a really rough day today because the kids have been arguing most of the day and hitting each other. This has been going on since Bo has left for Alabama. So for a week I have dealt with the fact that the kids are acting this way. It is very hard on me because I am the only person dealing with it. Until today, I have kept this very quiet so not to worry him or frustrate him because he's not here. But he's not here and it's very hard for all of us. Tonight Grace came down and told me that even though she was tired, she is having a hard time falling asleep. That has been going on since Daddy went away she told me. She also has been sleep walking which scares me. She has done it twice this week. I'm just worried that my six year old is going to walk in her sleep and unlock the door and go outside. It is weird to know that she is sleep walking when she looks completely awake.
I know that Bo is my best friend but sometimes I wonder if he feels the same way about me. Isn't your spouse suppose to be your best friend? I know he's mourning the death of his father. I also know that he has people down there supporting him and his brother. I need some support too and I'm not getting it.
Gotta go, I'm on the phone now. He called me first tonight. Have a good night.
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