Monday, April 16, 2018


I have been super busy lately. It has been a long time since I have posted. In that time, I have started a new job that has full benefits and insurance. This is very exciting. It is a 40 hour a week job. While it is a hard position, it is one that I'm truly enjoying.
I've been struggling with myself a lot. My mind has not been set at ease. I've been feeling empty. I've felt like I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I've cried numerous times in a day. Some days, I don't even know why I'm doing it. I just break down and cry. I find myself starting out the window or off somewhere else when I'm not at work. Sometimes I find myself staring at the computer screen at work, not realizing just how long it was.
I feel numb.
About a month ago, my uncle died from liver failure. He was an amazing man. He was a figure of the community. He was a justice of the peace, a notory public. When my husband and I got married again in 2016, he performed our wedding. I loved my uncle so much. I just fear that I didn't tell him that enough.
I think that this is part of why I feel the way I feel. I come from a big family. Since my grandmother died 9 years ago, it seems like we don't really do anything together anymore unless it is a funeral. Even weddings, family members are left out because we have too big of a family. It's sad really.
I have always felt like I don't belong in my family. Even when my grandmother was still alive. The only place that I felt like I was wanted and loved the most was her house. She made me feel alive. She made me feel like I had a family. She made me feel special. She always did everything for everyone else even when she was getting so sick that she needed to be hospitalized. She made a point that the Bingo group would have their snacks, right up until the day she died. A long time ago, I lost my blanket that she made. She made the most warm and amazing blankets I have ever had. They were made out of the material that footed pajamas are made from. A few years ago, while shopping at Catholic Charities, I found one and knew that it just had to be one of the ones that she made. When my uncle died, I felt comforted in my blanket knowing that he wasn't sick anymore or in pain. My blanket made me feel better. A blanket. Those are things that little kids use for comfort. Somehow though, wrapped up in that blanket, I felt like my Grammy and my Uncle were wrapping their arms around me. These past few weeks, I have gone to bed with my my blanket wrapped on top of me. When I turn over in bed to go to sleep, I feel their warmth and smile.
While their physical bodies have died and their souls have been sent for when Jesus returns to this earth, I still feel their warmth and fell their love. They had faith in me. They made me feel happy. They shared stories and tidbits about their lives, which made me feel a little better about mine. I'm so thankful that I had them in my life. Sitting on the sidelines of the family, I see how much people try to be part of a family. Why does it have to be so hard? I guess I'll never know. I hope my children don't feel that way. I hope that they feel that we love them tremendously no matter what decisions they make in their life. Who are we to judge them, when it is God who judges them in the end.
We have guided our children through their lives so far. One of our children is now 20 and in college, one 18 and heading to college in the fall. Our baby is 16 and will be a Junior in high school. She has started a new job today. They are moving mountains. They are going places. They have our full support. If they make mistakes or walk off the trek they were supposed to be on in life, we can help steer them back. But we won't belittle them or shame them or make them feel like they don't belong in our family.
Over the weekend, we celebrated my mom's 60th birthday. It was a surprise party. And for once in her life, she didn't know anything about it. It was a lot of fun. I'm glad I went.
So this is what has been happening in our area of life. We still have an uber amount of snow. I just wish it would go away.
Off to make supper. Have a fabulous day!

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